When the cover and the book just don't match.

I'm not going to beat around the bush; today has been a TERRIBLE day. 

I don't think I've ever hated who I am (or more to the point how I was born) more than I do right now.  It's not just the fact that I look and sound like a boy, it's also the fact that when I'm at school and around other people; I have to ACT like a boy as well.  I think this would be a good point to explain a couple of things to those of you who are unfamiliar with transgenderism/gender dysphoria;

1. My feminine behaviour does not mean I'm gay/camp.  If I was gay, I would be sexually attracted to males, which I'm not.  If I was camp; I'd know that acting feminine was not typical of someone with my gender - I'd FEEL it. 

2. I've posted on various forums under various names concerning transgender issues before, and I've been called a "transvestite" or "crossdresser" on multiple occasions.  This is not who I am.  These people are people who provoke a sexual reaction (or to use the crude term a 'turn-on') from dressing in the clothes of the opposite sex.  For me, this is not the case.  I do it because it feels right, not because it stimulates a sexual reaction.  Crossdressers are boys in girls clothes.  That isn't me.  Someone like me is a girl, with the body of a boy, in clothes which she should be wearing.

3. It was also pointed out to me on a forum once that perhaps I was just experiencing a feminine side/phase of my behaviour.  This isn't the case - just believe me.  I don't feel like a feminine boy occasionally, I feel like a girl all the time.

I've started to realise, however, I'm not going to be able to change who I am.  Hormone treatment isn't widely available in the UK - and it's too late for that; and I'm certainly not ready to make any decisions about gender reassingment surgery just yet.

Perhaps it's just the fact I've started accepting I'm not the gender I want to be; (infact, the gender I know I am) or perhaps it's the fact I'm thinking about who I am - but I'm coping, at the moment, albeit badly, with being almost completely opposite from who I am.

I need to go shopping...