One in a million.

Like most (infact, probably all) teenagers, I have a best friend.

She's the person who I'm closest to, the person with whom I can share anything - and the person I can trust with everything.  She's the kind of person who has a 'magnetic' personality; you're drawn to her because of various things - and I feel as though I have a duty to help her with anything and everything - she's just that kind of person.  Moreover, she's the only person who knows I'm transgender.

From my perspective, this makes her even more an incredible person.  It would have been well within her rights when I told her to turn around and arefuse to speak to me again; perhaps using some kind of slander or cheap language to desribe me - but she's not like that.  Considering she'd never heard of Transgenderism or Gender Dysophira before I told her, she's been remarkable: helping me deal with some rough times of late, talking to me perfectley normally and even using my 'female name' - she's simply incredible.

I know things haven't been easy for her of late either, which is why I'm writing this post today.  It's very common to feel unwanted/unappreciated - and this can spiral in to lonliness and fear; something no-one deserves: and especially someone as wonderful as her.

So I write this directly to her now; she knows who she is - Let this be a lasting momento of how much you mean to me.  You're a truly wonderful person, you're incredibly pretty and I feel blessed to have known you.  

To give an idea of her to those of you who don't know her, I'll leave you in the capable words of KT tunstall;

Everything Around her is a silver pool of light.  

Everyone around her feels the benefit of it, it makes you calm.

She holds you capitvated in her palm.

Take care. x

Every Cloud has a silver lining? No, it just makes the world darker.

Sorry to tell you all this; it's been another awful day.

Today has been one of those days where the weather is PERFECT.  It's 29 degrees, the sun is shining, and although there's school a lot of teachers decide to spend lessons outside.  For me, this has a bite... it's the kind of day when all the girls wear skirts.

Let me make it clear I have no problem whatsoever with them doing it; they're cooler (both in temperature and in general), they look pretty and it's a nice way of expressing a girl's feminine side; the thing (or should I say person?) I have a problem with is myself.  I'm not out as transgender in real life.  There's one girl that knows and she's helped me an awful lot, but because I'm not out I have no way of being able to wear a skirt to school.

This leaves me roasting in a pair of trousers which I've made slightly skinnier in an attempt to make them more girly, and longing to be wearing a skirt.  Deep down, I'm a girl - and I want to express it; it's just sad when there's no way to do it.

I'm debating whether to take a pair of the shorts I own which are in all but length quite feminine and roll/sew them up to make them virtually girls shorts, or just save the hassle and go out and buy a dress/skirt/pair of shorts - not sure yet; but one thing's for certain - I can't take being a boy on the outside much longer.

I've started hurting myself because I know there's something wrong with me;  I've been born the wrong way - but there's no use in doing that.  Sadly, I can tell you it isn't going to stop until I'm a girl, inside and outside.

Even the weather is against me.

Until next time. <3

When the cover and the book just don't match.

I'm not going to beat around the bush; today has been a TERRIBLE day. 

I don't think I've ever hated who I am (or more to the point how I was born) more than I do right now.  It's not just the fact that I look and sound like a boy, it's also the fact that when I'm at school and around other people; I have to ACT like a boy as well.  I think this would be a good point to explain a couple of things to those of you who are unfamiliar with transgenderism/gender dysphoria;

1. My feminine behaviour does not mean I'm gay/camp.  If I was gay, I would be sexually attracted to males, which I'm not.  If I was camp; I'd know that acting feminine was not typical of someone with my gender - I'd FEEL it. 

2. I've posted on various forums under various names concerning transgender issues before, and I've been called a "transvestite" or "crossdresser" on multiple occasions.  This is not who I am.  These people are people who provoke a sexual reaction (or to use the crude term a 'turn-on') from dressing in the clothes of the opposite sex.  For me, this is not the case.  I do it because it feels right, not because it stimulates a sexual reaction.  Crossdressers are boys in girls clothes.  That isn't me.  Someone like me is a girl, with the body of a boy, in clothes which she should be wearing.

3. It was also pointed out to me on a forum once that perhaps I was just experiencing a feminine side/phase of my behaviour.  This isn't the case - just believe me.  I don't feel like a feminine boy occasionally, I feel like a girl all the time.

I've started to realise, however, I'm not going to be able to change who I am.  Hormone treatment isn't widely available in the UK - and it's too late for that; and I'm certainly not ready to make any decisions about gender reassingment surgery just yet.

Perhaps it's just the fact I've started accepting I'm not the gender I want to be; (infact, the gender I know I am) or perhaps it's the fact I'm thinking about who I am - but I'm coping, at the moment, albeit badly, with being almost completely opposite from who I am.

I need to go shopping...